Had I considered the ways I know myself to deal with stressful or painful situations, I should have seen my seemingly preemptive breakdown this week coming. This list of evidence looks ridiculous out of context, but unfortunately, it is all true.
I’ve been watching Cupcake Wars. Mindless television is an escape for me. I thought my new semi-obsession (and one of which, for the record, I am somewhat ashamed; the third round takes much too long) was a result of John working late a lot this week. I’m finished with The Biggest Loser for now, and there’s no more new-to-me Up All Night or Downton Abbey either. Thus, I am left with a falsely competitive forty-two minutes that ends up wasting a thousand cupcakes per episode. Sad.
I’ve been writing. Some of it is that I’m getting feedback and making what I think is progress on the novel I completed a few months ago. But the rest of the constant drafting going on in my head is probably a defense against breaking down. I’ve only recently started to keep paper and a pen nearby to keep the blog ideas, novel edits, and other thoughts from escaping me. Productive!
I’ve been shopping. I must have known this one had ulterior motives a little more clearly than the others, because I’ve been incredibly frugal about it. I got Jacob new rash guards and swimsuits last week on eBay—the prices in stores were too expensive for my taste—and realized there might be something for me there, too. Now I have a new dress for one of the weddings we’re attending in September. And for less than twenty dollars! How about that?
I watched a movie with a secondary character named Ethan in it. When his name was first spoken, I asked myself if I was okay. I thought I was. Had I been reading a book with a character named Ethan, I might have put it down. But this time, it was Jim Krasinski playing a guy named Ethan, who was clearly not mine. I didn’t think the occasional mention of his name in the film would bother me. Apparently it did.
The good news is, we have a plan for next week. I will have company both during the day on Monday and during the Mass scheduled for Ethan. Maybe I missed some cues this week, and I’m sure I don’t really know what the next few days will be like, but at least I know I won’t be—I’m never—alone.