Dear Henry VIII

Dear Henry,

 

Today you are one month old. You sure don’t look like it! This weekend, we switched out the zero to three month-sized clothes from your drawer and replaced them with three to six month sizes. You are a big guy, following in your brother’s footsteps.

 

You look a lot like Jacob at this point, but I don’t think that’s going to last too much longer. You will probably always look like brothers, but there has been something all your own in your face, in your cry, in your temperament from day one. It seems you are more dramatic—your cry goes from zero to sixty in no time flat—but then, almost everyone is more dramatic than Jacob. I feel like I know a piece of you already, though I can’t put it into words. Perhaps it’s that you held on to my finger right away when they put you on my belly after you were born. There is something that looks and feels like home in your eyes and I am so grateful for that.

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I’ve heard parents worry that they will not be able to love subsequent children as much as their first. That was never the case with me. Don’t get me wrong; I love Jacob like crazy, but perhaps being a second child myself, I know parents can love each child for him or her self. On the contrary, before you were born, I was nervous that my love for you would be more apparent. I didn’t know what I was doing when we had Jacob; my lifestyle and identity were shifting, plus I had the responsibility of another life literally in my hands. While I was expecting you, I didn’t have that sort of fear, anxiety, or doubt. Especially after losing Ethan, I wanted you so very badly. I knew I’d know what to do with you once you were in my arms.

 

The happy truth is that once you were in my arms I found that I loved you more because I had Jacob and Jacob more because I had you. Watching the two of you, either immersed in separate activities or interacting with each other, gives me perspective on what each of you is a person, what each of you means to me, how grateful I am to be your mom.

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Last weekend, at three weeks, you rolled over. It hasn’t happened again, but now and then you try. Your life is happening very quickly, it seems, because your dad and I are living on both a newborn schedule and a toddler schedule at the same time. I hope I am able to capture your milestones with the same vigor I did Jacob’s. At the same time, though, my perspective on them is different; now I am looking for the bits of you I learn as I go, without simultaneously trying to understand the basics of child development.

 

Your dad and I keep forgetting how young you are, how short a time it’s been since I gave birth. When you would cough in your first few days—get ready, this is very silly—I’d think I should offer you some water. When we go out, I wonder if I have a snack for you. I do, but then, I always do! Big as you are, it’s obvious you are not a two-year-old, like Jacob. Still, that’s what I had in mind at first. By now I think I’m starting to get the hang of this two-ages-at-the-same-time thing.

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I hope we will not rush you into growing up. Rather, I hope you reach for the standards we set. You have good examples in your father and your brother, and I just know that there’s a whole lot of good wrapped up in you in your own right.

 

Happy one-month birthday, little big guy. I am beyond grateful for being entrusted with the gift you are. I love you so very dearly.

 

All my love,
Mom

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It Was Then That YOU Carried Me

A year ago today I walked into my local hospital for a routine prenatal ultrasound. After the technician very professionally performed the exam, a trainee by her side, a doctor came in the room, checked me again, and informed me that they could not find my child’s heartbeat.

 

I feel as if I am writing about one anniversary or another pertaining to Ethan every other post. The reality is that there are lots of milestones (what’s the opposite of milestone?) in this process of grieving and healing. One does not simply start where the other ends.

 

If I’ve learned anything about miscarriage, it’s that it happens more often than you’d think. Even in a “first world” country, with health insurance and access to the talented doctors who work in New York City, it’s not something we can prevent. It’s not even something we can fully explain.

 

This past year, I’ve even noticed it more and more often in books and movies. It’s there, but it’s still almost silent—something that changes someone from the inside out. Something that makes, most often, a woman more introverted, lonely; something whose void creates a sense of longing that either expresses itself elsewhere or becomes almost too hard to bear.

 

Yesterday morning’s Gospel was about the paralytic whose friends brought him to Jesus through a hole they made in a roof. The homily asked that we consider who in our lives brings us to Jesus. Who are the people who are there for us, who carry us, when we cannot carry ourselves?

 
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Right away I thought of my family—especially my siblings-in-law who wrote me (us) letters after we lost Ethan. Two of them are young men clear on the other side of the country with more exciting things to do than worry about the emotional state of their sister-in-law. And yet the letters came, expressing pain, love, hope, and gratitude. They, as well as my parents, who were at my side immediately and John’s,

who were instantly on their knees praying for us, brought me to Jesus—and Jesus to me—when I couldn’t carry myself.

 

Twelve months ago I could not imagine where I would be today. I hoped there would be a new child in my arms, but I hadn’t yet processed that it wouldn’t be the one I still carried. I believe that in his own way, Ethan also carried our family to where we are today. To a place where I can easily, happily say I have two kids and let my heart rest, knowing that Ethan is in each of us, especially Henry. Especially me. To a place where I look at my boys every day, and despite being very, very tired, feel I can describe my status as nothing other than deliriously happy.

 

The blog has been less of a priority these past weeks because 1) I’ve been recovering from childbirth; and, more importantly 2) I am thoroughly enjoying my role as a mom. Though I am still writing and knitting and reading, I am happier with less on my plate. I’m almost embarrassed to admit it, but for the first time in my motherhood, I am firmly content with being “just” a mom.

 

Don’t worry; I’m not going anywhere. I have a couple of posts drafted and just haven’t gotten to finish and post them yet. In the meantime, I am sad today, but full of joy and thanks for the comfort and the love I experienced this last year. That means you, readers. Thank you. Know that my prayers are with all of you today.

 

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Jacob’s Grocery List

Jacob is nothing if not helpful. It’s not surprising, then, that when I sit down to write a grocery list, he’s right by my side.

 

Sometimes his list is practical, gleaned from what I’ve said out loud:

 

Soymilk
Orange juice
. . . and everything that we need

 

Sometimes it’s what he’s hoping to be served:

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Hot dogs
Rolls
Sugar

 

Sometimes, I don’t know where it comes from:

 

Cupcakes
Sandwiches

 

Maybe we’ve read The Very Hungry Caterpillar one time too many.

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