Dear Ethan IV

by youngmarriedmom Posted on July 25, 2012

Dear Ethan,

 

I wasn’t supposed to start missing you again until next week. I have hope in our new baby, growing well in me, and your due date isn’t until Monday. My emotions like to plan ahead, it seems, and just thinking about how tough next week is going to be broke me down today.

 

The intellectual side of me says that July 30 is a day that was never meant to be for our family. I accepted very quickly that you were where God needed you to be, and His grace gave me something to get through the most tremendous grief I have ever experienced. I almost wish I didn’t know when you were due, so that I could have continued more joyfully on this road of healing. But something in me would have calculated it, and perhaps it’s better to have one day to focus on. Even if I’m doing it almost a week early.

 

The tricky thing is that it’s not just going to be one day. I arranged for two Masses to be said for you—one as close to your due date as I could get (the actual date was already booked) and one in October, for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. That means that next week I have two unbearable Masses to look forward to: the first on Monday, your true due date; the second on Wednesday, when your Mass is said.

 
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I’m not sure how many of the people at church know our last name, will know that the name said aloud is that of our child. I fear they will assume that the bump I’ve developed is the reason for the remembrance. I wonder who will ask. I wonder if I will be able to explain. If it had been today, I would not have been able to say a word without crying. For the second time this month, I only barely held it together until I got home. Once our door was shut, the tears came. Jacob didn’t know what to do with me. As crazy as he’s been lately—he started this morning with a log-rolling, fist-thumping temper tantrum on the living room floor—he was quiet and gave me a hug when I asked. I hope he doesn’t think it’s him that’s making my heart hurt.

 

Ethan, I know that you are fine—better than fine—and that we are doing okay. But I don’t know what to do to remember you next week. Do I go through the day as if it were a normal day? Do we celebrate? Do we grieve? I almost want to just be somewhere else, but I know that I need to be there for the Mass, that Jacob and I need to bring up the gifts. As difficult as that will be, I hope it will remind me that you were God’s in the first place, and that, like or not, at some point, I had to give you back.

 

Pray for us, Ethan, as we persevere through the days ahead. Ask God to give us peace, joy, and healing, as we continue to accept His will above our own.

 

With all my heart,
Mom

Posted in Faith, Modern Perspectives, Motherhood, Young Married Mom | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Does Crying Get You What You Want? Yes.

by youngmarriedmom Posted on July 24, 2012

I’d like to believe that I’m a pretty tough mom. John and I want to be strict with Jacob, especially now, because he’s learning how to listen and, hopefully, that not obeying what Mommy and Daddy ask of him has consequences.

 

I’m not sure I believe in the “terrible twos” as they are made out to be: a period of insanity in which one wonders why she had children and if the screaming will ever, ever end. But then, this is my first time experiencing this stage as a parent. Still, I’d like to think that this is the time when we build the foundations of Jacob’s character. If he learns he can get away with stuff now, he’s going to believe it the rest of his life.

 

When he’s sleeping peacefully, this theory seems wonderful, doesn’t it? When he’s awake and not getting what he wants, it’s a little tougher to see the potential light at the end of the very long, very loud tunnel.

 

 

John and I love Jacob so much—and his crying and whining so little—that being as firm as we’d like to be is often a challenge. I can only speak for myself, but I know that while I don’t explicitly count until Jacob chooses whether to obey (“I’m going to count to three. One, two, . . .”), I often say, “This is your last chance” more than once. Three times, usually, if we’re being honest (and aren’t we always honest here?).

 

In theory, I’m shooting myself in the foot by not truly abiding by what I say. There are some factors (or maybe excuses) to consider, though: 1) I often speak too soon, then realize I’m committing to some form of punishment or other action I might be dreading; and 2) he’s not even two yet. Sure, we expect a lot from him, but I also know his toddler brain doesn’t yet function the same way my adult brain does. He gets some slack, I get some slack. But at the end of days like today, I wonder if that means we’re making any forward progress at all.

 
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My go-to phrase when Jacob starts crying about not getting something he wants (pressing the button on the air conditioner, say, because he’s in his high chair having lunch), is “Does crying get you what you want?” It’s mostly a reminder to me that it’s very easy for me to crumble and give in, more to make the wailing stop than because I really feel like his current desire is going to make him happy.

 

God thinks the opposite way, though, doesn’t He? He realizes that often our current desires are not the ones that are going to make us happy. As difficult as I’m sure it is for Him to answer some of our prayers with a “negative,” He can see so clearly what we really need.

 

God’s love is discipline. It is sacrifice—on His part, perhaps, as much as ours. Who wants to see someone he loves—much more someone he created—suffer? But then again I remember that God doesn’t think as humans think.

 

I strive to love as God loves—both as a parent and as a child of God. While persistent prayer is meaningful, being pouty, or worrying, or being afraid isn’t going to get me what I want. Relying on God’s grace is.

 

Really, what else can get me through the day when my toddler randomly breaks into an all-out wail because I said we needed to say grace before we ate a snack (like we always do)?

 

I think I’m going to start praying for the grace to persevere through adolescence now.

Posted in Freelance, Modern Perspectives, Motherhood, Young Married Mom | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Yesterday

by youngmarriedmom Posted on July 20, 2012

Yesterday I heard our baby’s heartbeat for the third time.

 

Yesterday I started to relax, and believe that we really would hold this child, warm and wiggly, in our arms come winter.

 

Yesterday I considered freaking out about having two babies, but decided against it.

 

Yesterday I peeked a little further out of my tunnel of grief and let the light of hope wash over me.

 
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Yesterday I considered how long and how short six months can seem.

 

Yesterday I was humbled when I realized how blessed I am to have John, Jacob, this new child, my friends, my obstetrician, and my work.

 

Yesterday I started to enjoy this pregnancy.

 

And today I am one happy lady.

Posted in Modern Perspectives, Motherhood, Young Married Mom | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments