Why I Seem Okay

by youngmarriedmom Posted on February 3, 2012

It’s been just over two weeks since we got the news about Ethan, yet he’s been gone for almost a month. I wrote earlier this week about how grieving, for me, isn’t just about crying. I’m not crying very much these days, nor am I actively doing much of the other things on that list. Things feel a strange kind of normal, and too quickly. I’ve spent a lot of this week battling the question of whether I’m grieving enough. I know that’s not the right way to think, and thankfully every time the thought has crossed my mind, I’ve been able to push it away for the baloney that it is.

 

Miscarriage is a strange thing. My head, my heart, and my body have been in all different places. I’m reluctant to accept this peace, because it feels too easy. Isn’t this a cross I have to bear? Shouldn’t it be harder, or do I not realize how it’s affecting me? I can tell you I want another child more now than ever, maybe because I wonder if it’s out of reach. Maybe the future is the hard part.

 

As I mentioned the other day, this poem has really helped me know that what I’m feeling now is okay:

 

No one scorns the haiku for being shorter than War and Peace
Nor scolds the daffodil for being briefer than a redwood
But this little life cut off so young
We mourn and cry “too soon too soon”.

Surely the Author knows when to end each tale

And yet
Jesus wept

So should we all
For in the beginning death was not

And though there is a plan perhaps for even this little sparrow’s fall
Still we cry
For we know that a sparrow was meant to fly.

by Melanie Bettinelli, originally posted here

There’s a lot more, too, and it’s largely my family and friends. Everyone deals with grief in his or her own way. More importantly, everyone deals with other people’s grief in his or her own way.

 

I seem like I’m okay, but only because you guys have been there for me every step of the way, listening to what I need, figuring out what I need, and doing what needs to be done.
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I seem like I’m okay because every person I’ve spoken with (with the exception of a neighbor, a doctor, and a nurse) has avoided the typical things not to say to someone who just had a miscarriage, and instead recognized Ethan as a person, as our second child, and called him by name. The stories I’ve read from other women are astounding. One said her own mother made a comment about her baby not being old enough to be considered her child. I can’t imagine the extra pain that causes. You have been perfect witnesses to the dignity of Ethan’s life.

 

I read this quote the other day, and find it to be perfectly true:

 

“If you know someone who has lost a child, and you’re afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died—you’re not reminding them. They didn’t forget they died. What you’re reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift.” —Elizabeth Edwards

 

I seem okay because my mom or dad calls or visits me every day, Jacob giggles all day, and John hugs me every night.

 

I seem okay because my brothers- and sisters-in-law have sent me hand-written notes in the mail telling me they love me, they love Ethan, they are so glad we are part of their family. Never underestimate the power of a hand-written letter.

 

I seem okay because your prayers are holding me up when I don’t know how to be anything but quiet in God’s presence these days.

 

I seem okay because other women have shared their stories and they are encouraging me to share mine. I am grateful for the instant communication and global interaction current technology affords us. . . . as long as we stay away from holograms. Creepy.

 

I am okay because the people I love, love Ethan. I am okay because I know I love Ethan. I am okay because I know God loves Ethan and is holding him in His hand.

 

Thank you for your support, and please don’t let it stop now, even if I seem okay.

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Guest Post: Remixed

by youngmarriedmom Posted on February 1, 2012

Today’s post is a kind of inverted guest post, in which I’m linking to another blogger who wrote about something I wrote on her blog. It involves Ethan, a writing conference in 2010, a Google search, and a new book. Roxane told the story well and found more meaning in it that I was able to, so I’ll let her do the rest:

 http://roxanesalonen.blogspot.com/2012/01/mama-mondays-finding-soul-sister-in-nyc.html

Speaking of that book, After Miscarriage, I wanted to share a poem I found there that expresses my experience more precisely than anything else I’ve read—and more concisely than anything I’ve written. Ha!

No one scorns the haiku for being shorter than War and Peace
Nor scolds the daffodil for being briefer than a redwood
But this little life cut off so young
We mourn and cry “too soon too soon”.

Surely the Author knows when to end each tale

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Jesus wept

So should we all
For in the beginning death was not

And though there is a plan perhaps for even this little sparrow’s fall
Still we cry
For we know that a sparrow was meant to fly.

by Melanie Bettinelli, originally posted here

 

Posted in Blogging, Modern Perspectives, Motherhood, Young Married Mom | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

This Is What Keeps Me Going

by youngmarriedmom Posted on January 31, 2012

Life after any kind of loss means finding a new kind of normal. The changes in our situation aren’t so dramatic, especially from outside. It might seem like we are doing okay, that not much has changed.

 

I didn’t have much of a baby bump, so I don’t have to swap drawers of maternity clothes for “regular people” clothes, as I so gracefully refer to them. I’d reorganized baby clothes a few weeks back, but things were still packed away, so there’s not much to get out of sight. I can eat cheese again, which is great, but kind of a bummer. I keep thinking that all I really knew about this little boy was that he hated cheese. In any other relationship, I’d think that was a deal breaker; as Ethan’s mother, I really think it’s something I could have gotten past.

 

The truth is, a lot has changed, but some of it is in ways we don’t even realize yet. I don’t realize until I’m faced with the idea of a couple of days of the old “normal” that I’m not ready for it yet. But still, there are some things—some people—that keep me going.

 

First of all, Jacob still needs me to be his mom. I can’t let that stop, although I can let other people help. He’s enjoyed all the family and friends he’s had to play with recently. He’s often on better behavior when other people are around, which means he eats and sleeps well, and rarely throws fits. A quiet, happy baby makes for a quiet, happy mommy.

Second, Ethan. I googled all things “miscarriage” for a few days after, trying to learn from other people’s experiences—what to expect, what to do, what I might need even if I didn’t know it. I read in someone else’s story online that for her, knowing her baby was in heaven made her all the more driven to get there herself. That rang true for me. This is not a time to give up; this is a time to grow in love for God, for John, and for our family. I can be selfish in wanting some time to myself to read or lie down or cry, but I can’t stop loving the people who are taking care of me, who love me and our little boy.
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John and I have a strong relationship, but it’s tough to deal with your own emotions and try to figure out someone else’s at the same time. Initially, at times when I thought he didn’t understand, part of me thought it would just be easier for me to take care of myself. But I thought of baby Ethan watching us. He wouldn’t want to see that his short life made his mom and dad struggle to love each other. This is a child who has only ever known love, whose whole life was lived being held by his mother. A whole life lived in a hug, I like to think. He’d want to see that his life made his parents love each other more. It’s crazy and it’s scary to say it, but I can see how losing a child can tear a family apart. Love is a choice, and we are choosing to love. Every day it gets easier. Every child, every member of our family will only make us stronger. A child created and formed in love should only bring more love.

 

And finally, Number Three. As much as I want to lie on the couch all day and eat chocolate, I can’t let myself get out of shape. I have a toddler to take care of, and hope for more children in the future. I need to keep exercising, keep getting to bed on time, even if it takes an hour to fall asleep, keep eating (mostly) healthy food. There’s also the fact that a bulging belly will fool me into thinking I have a baby bump. It’s hard enough to keep my hand off my stomach now. It’s a natural position for me while I’m pregnant, and it’s a tough habit to shake when the rest of me got un-pregnant so quickly.

 

I have hope that my body is not done with babies yet. I will take a vitamin every day. I will run around with Jacob. I will do all I can stand to do, without putting some crazy pressure on myself, to stay healthy for my family and for myself. I don’t watch The Biggest Loser for nothing. Taking care of yourself is never just about yourself. People are many parts: mind, body, soul, and this is the time to attend very particularly to all three.

 

This—my children—is what keeps me going.

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