They say that time heals all wounds. I hope that’s true. It’s only been a week since I learned about our miscarriage, and I’m still not sure what I think or what I feel. The two often don’t seem to go together.
I don’t know what it’s going to look like, but healing from this loss is going to take a long time. While I’m getting there, I’ve been reflecting on how the situation unfolded, and I can’t help but be grateful for the timing that was very much out of my control, or at least outside of my awareness.
Exhibit A: I could have scheduled an ultrasound almost any time in January. I asked for a Tuesday or Thursday because I have a friend who could watch Jacob those days. It happened that my appointment was while John was on the plane home. Thank God it wasn’t while he was still scheduled to be away for another couple of days, or even a week. I don’t know what I would have done with myself.
Exhibit B: While I wouldn’t want anyone else to say it to me in an effort to comfort me, I am grateful that Ethan is my second child. We have giggly, snuggly proof that we are able to produce healthy, full term children. We don’t know what the future holds, but we have great hope for more Peanuts, Brussel Sprouts, etc.
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Exhibit C: It’s winter. Since I’m wearing long sleeves, I don’t have to look at the bruise on my elbow from the IV during my D&C on Saturday. Thank goodness it is fading.
Exhibit D: Because John was away when I found out and because of the timing of my doctor’s appointment the next day, I had some time with Ethan, knowing what had happened before he was physically gone from me. Excuse me if this is too much information, but he didn’t pass from my body naturally; I had a procedure to do that. I was nervous about it happening too soon, before I was ready for it. Once I made the decision to have the D&C, I didn’t feel like I was waiting around, but I didn’t feel it was sprung on me, either. I had another ultrasound of our little one printed and I had a chance to say goodbye to him. My goal of someday going into labor still stands, but it seems children like to stay with me longer than the medical community recommends. I find an odd comfort in that.
Appendix: Please see Exhibit B.
I was wondering if you had to have a D&C. I’m glad you get to wear long sleeves and don’t have to look at the bruise. My friend, Kristin, who had 2 miscarriages, says that the D&C was the worst day of her life. I’m so sorry that you have to go through this….
It was tough, and I thought it would be the worst day. But I had time to make peace with the decision, so it was okay. Still horrible, though. Can something be both horrible and okay? Weird.
About Exhibit B. I don’t think I really let myself acknowledge it until this week, almost five years after the miscarriage, how much having a baby at home was a comfort. I know I’d have been angry had anyone tried to say it to me; even myself. But now I can see how much more it would have hurt to go home to a place with no child.
I’ve been reading your posts about the miscarriage. They are so eloquent and sad and true. I am so sorry for your loss. You will be in my prayers.
Thank you, Melanie. This is a time when my head is saying one thing, but my heart is feeling another. I am very aware of how complex it is to be human! Thanks for your prayers and your words.
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