Dear Jacob XXV

Dear Jacob,

 

You are three years old, and funnier, sweeter every day. You are also looking to stand your ground when you can, which, quite frankly, is exhausting. Some days are twelve hours of a power struggle, but you find ways, intentionally or not, to make me smile in the midst of it.

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A few of the better moments these last few weeks:

 

You jumped a little on the potty when I came into the bathroom the other day. “Oh, sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean to surprise you.”

 

“You don’t need to say sorry, Mommy,” you told me. “It was just a pur-prise.”

 

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You were playing your favorite game, The Sneaky, Snacky Squirrel Game, with PopPop. He pretended to be sad that it looked like he was going to lose. “Don’t worry!” you told him, and you coached him to the end of the game, making sure he didn’t get upset again.

 

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Finally, I heard you say, “This nap has ended! Go in peace to love and serve the Lord,”—or really, “to dove and serve da Dord.” For all the fidgeting you do at Mass, you are paying attention!

 

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You are finding your way through your emotions, your thoughts, your wants. I am trying my best to lead you, but there are time when I feel totally lost. Thank goodness I have your daddy, the voice of reason, at my side. You are so, so lucky to have him for your father. He is a strong, patient, and selfless man. He asks the right questions and always thinks before he speaks. I hope you learn these things from him.

 

In some ways it’s hard to believe you were born three whole years ago. I am a different person now than I was then, and thank goodness. You challenge me, you love me, you encourage me to be all that I can be. A few weeks ago, we went for a walk. I was in running clothes, but it had been a while since I’d run and I wasn’t sure I was up to getting back into it. Right away, though, you asked me to run. I gave it a shot and a minute later, you told me, “You’re a good runner.” I don’t think that of myself, but you gave me the power, in that simple compliment, to run a mile and a half.

 

You are the most polite boy I’ve ever met. Some of it we’ve taught you, but some you’ve figured out for yourself. You thank me for the food I give you and tell me it’s “vewy tasty.” I know these things are sincere, because while you might fib about whether or not you need to go potty or were the one to knock Henry down, there are certain things you say that clearly come right from your heart. I pray I can help you grow and embrace that sincerity, so that you grow into a man with integrity.

 

I love you every day, Jacob, up to the ceiling! Thank you for teaching me so much, for loving me, and for being the great brother you are.

 

With all my heart,
Mom

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Dear Henry XIII

Dear Henry,

 

Today you are ten months old. I can see your babyness starting to melt away, and it is bittersweet.

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On the one hand, I love where you are right now. You pull up to stand, chew on, or pull up to stand and then chew on everything that comes your way. Seriously, everything. Toys, the ottoman, the rug, the curtains. You have a beautiful smile, a wonderful laugh, and you are so, so happy. You do a scrunchy thing with your nose that can turn any bad day into a good one. You are snuggly and just clingy enough to make me appreciate how fabulous it is to be your mom.

 

Last week, I am certain that you said, “wa-da” for water. You were in your high chair and it was your response when I asked what you wanted. I am so sure because you signed it and said it. You say, “Mamamama” for me and, “Nananana” when you want food. I love to hear your voice. You’re starting to take Jacob’s lead and sing and pray at church, too—“Ba ba ba ba!” I can’t wait to hear what else you’re thinking as we get into the months ahead.

 

In just two months, you will be a year old. Wow! A year! I am so grateful for this year of watching you grow from a little, little guy into this chunky, jolly ball of little boy. I can’t wait to watch you take off walking and start talking more and more.

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It’s easy to tell that you and Jacob are brothers, but there are so many differences between the two of you: your eyes, your teeth, your hair, the fact that you didn’t test positive for ANY food allergies—praise God!, the mischievous glint we think we sometimes see in your eye, how you can go zero to sixty when you get upset. I can’t believe a year ago you were still in my belly, and I was waiting to meet you. And the months before that, after we lost Ethan and I wanted to have another baby so, so badly.
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I said you cling to me a little, and there’s a reason that’s so important to me. Right after you were born, you were lying on top of me, and right away you held tight to my finger and didn’t let go for a long, long time. I needed that. You let me know you were really there, that my prayer was answered with a “Yes!”, that God had bigger  and more plans for our family. You still hold my hand when I nurse you sometimes, and it is a reminder of the goodness of God, His love and mercy. You really are like an angel to me.

 

Jacob loves you so very much too. I keep telling him not to tackle you, but he doesn’t really listen, and you don’t seem to mind. We kind of think you’re going to end up bigger than Jacob, so maybe it’s fair for him to get to be stronger for a little while.

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When you have trouble sleeping, we all have trouble sleeping, and that is something I hope we’ll say goodbye to once you reach your birthday. When you are sleeping, though, your face is so peaceful, so beautiful. You are such a handsome little guy. You are so, so loved.

 

The next few months are filled with holidays, and they always seems to fly by. Not that this year has been slow-paced! But still, I’m so excited for your next year, to get to know the wonderful, exceptional person we can already see you are.

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I love you with all my heart, always, forever, no matter what.
Mom

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Back!

And we’re back! These couple weeks away from the blog were important to our family, but lately I’ve found myself itching to post here again. It’s been about six weeks since I posted, and “busy” is an understatement of what life has been like between then and now.

 

I finished my revision and sent it off to my agent. I learn more and more about writing and editing every time I work on another draft. There will be more about that here in the coming weeks. I was on a high for a full week after I finished. I still kind of am, come to think of it.

 

Potty training is coming along. We are celebrating victories and trying to figure out how to deal with accidents in a way that lets the little guy know we want to avoid them, without giving him some kind of complex.

 

In these six weeks, we also went on vacation,

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celebrated three years of this,

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and four years of this.

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I made some progress on knitting projects and got wrapped up in a YA trilogy by Ally Condie (Matched, Crossed, and Reached). Read them now! So smart, suspenseful, emotional. These are teaching me a good deal about telling a story well, too.

 

We joined the twenty-first century and got iPhones. I was so excited, two days later, I got a headache! Moderation, moderation.

 

I’m learning that, as friendly and sociable as I can be, I need some regular quiet time for myself. I knew this, in a way; it’s why I go write on Saturday mornings. But living with more people—wonderful, lovely people, whom I’m relatively certain are destined for sainthood for their charity, generosity, and humility—means I need to be sure I get some time alone. I am a better mother, wife, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, and friend when I do.

 

I joined a Bible study (we’re using this curriculum) and a playgroup. I also trained to be a lector at Sunday Mass. I’m grateful for these smaller communities in our hometown that give me some grounding as a mother in the place I used to be a child. I’m also excited for the ways I’m interacting with God’s word. I need that spiritual space as much, if not more than I need time alone, to be the best version of myself.

 

Jacob only asks to move back to Brooklyn when we go somewhere else over night, like on vacation down the shore or to Massachusetts for a wedding. He talks about the big truck taking all our stuff back and seeing his friend Gabriel. Otherwise, he loves living here, where we can pick up Daddy from the train every nigh,t and we see grandmas and pop-pops every day.

 

Part of me wishes that our lives were more settled, but I’m beginning to see that growing a family, as we are, means that we’re always in a state of flux. People are growing; we are all changing. Family means we’re there for each other. Home is wherever we’re all together.

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